The truth about Domestic Abuse

The truth about domestic abuse is that there is no one truth. When you think of domestic abuse, it probably conjures up images of black eyes and broken bones. You probably think of a woman as the victim, with a violent male partner as the perpetrator. Whilst domestic abuse can include this kind of behaviour, its not always the case. You might be surprised, but evidence suggests that women are equally as violent and men in family situations.

Domestic abuse can affect anybody regardless of their sex, race, religion or ethnicity. You can also be abused by a family member- it doesn’t have to be a romantic partner.

Domestic abuse is thought to be very common, but it is difficult to say how common as it is often hidden away at home, not to be spoken of. According to Women’s Aid, the police answer 100 domestic abuse calls every hour.  But that is just those that report it. Many suffer alone.

The abuse can be:

• Physical abuse: such as hitting, kicking, grabbing, shoving. It doesn’t always leave a bruise that’s visible, either. Some abusers purposely target areas such as the legs or torso, so that marks on the body can go unnoticed.
• Financial abuse: this can encompass a whole range of behaviours. It may mean the perpetrator deprives the victim of money, controls what they buy or damages their property. It can also include fraud and theft. Sometimes it can happen when one person is dependent on the other to provide the main source of income for the family. The victim can be left with no money and no options of being able to afford to leave. The abuser may make it really hard for the victim to get a job, for example, by refusing childcare on days you’re meant to work.  It doesn’t just have to be a partner, it could be a family member, too. For example, when an adult takes away pensions or benefits from a relative or friend or forces them to make changes in a will.
• Sexual abuse: being forced or pressured into sexual contact with someone, even though you don’t want to. This can include unwanted touching, kissing or rape. It can go alongside other types of abuse, as sometimes you might feel pressured into having sex to prevent a physical assault, or to protect children from outbursts of anger that could follow if you say no.
• Psychological or emotional abuse: this can be just as damaging but hard to spot sometimes. A person might not even know they are being abused at first.  It can include intimidating behaviours, such as being aggressive, throwing or smashing things.  It can also be a pattern of constant criticism when you’re repeatedly put down or belittled because of your opinions or actions. The abuser might make the victim feel constantly guilty for the troubles in the relationship as they refuse to take any responsibility.
• Controlling behaviour: taking control of where a person goes and what they do is an example. The abuser might attempt to isolate the victim by stopping them from seeing family or friends. They could control access to medication or even threaten to take children away. This isn’t always obvious- an abuser might keep tabs on the other person secretly by reading messages on a phone or social media. They might even check mileage on a car to make sure the other person hasn’t been anywhere without their knowledge.

Why don’t people just leave abusive relationships?

Why is this the first question people tend to think of? They doubt the veracity of the victim’s account and although they don’t mean to, place blame on the victim- it’s your fault because you stayed. We need to move away from this question, and ask things like, why do trusted loved ones behave this way? How can we best support a friend we think is in this kind of relationship? How do we spot the warning signs that we are in this kind of relationship? There are a million questions to ask- this is not the one.

It might seem absurd to those that have been fortunate to never experience domestic abuse, but it can be hard to spot sometimes. The victim might even doubt their own sanity as abuse typically occurs in a cycle. Firstly, the tensions in the relationships build due to general stress and conflict, which is followed by the abusive incident or behaviours. Then, after that it can be as if the perpetrator is a different person.

The abuser returns back to the lovely person- the one you thought you knew. At this point they may shower the victim with affection, love and promises. This is confusing to say the least for the victim who can feel humiliated, guilty and responsible, yet also grateful that things are back to normal. This leaves the victim wondering if things had happened the way they imagined, if they are being dramatic and feeling a sense of shame and guilt. The abuser didn’t mean it, they didn’t know what they were doing. But regardless of intent – the impact remains the same.

For these reasons, it can feel impossible to leave an abusive relationship. There are often several, complex behaviours and types of abuse occurring at once.  There are far more types than listed in this short blog.  It can result in a range of psychological effects such as;

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Low self-esteem
• Suicidal thoughts
• Substance misuse
• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Unfortunately, when children are involved, they are also at risk of adverse effects such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and struggles at school.

If you feel like some of the things mentioned here are familiar to you, its important to seek help.

For a free 24 hour hotline, women can call 0808 2000 247.

Alternatively, men can call the Men’s Advice Line for free on 0808 801 0327

There is also a wealth of resources and an online support forum on the Women’s Aid website. Make sure you are alone when you call and that the abuser is not in the home.  If you feel you need psychological help you can either contact your GP or visit the Solis database by clicking here to search for local services that can help you. You can do this anonymously in the privacy of your own home.

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you may be at increased risk should your partner or abuser check your internet history. For advice on how to stay safe and cover your tracks online, click here.

By Sarah Lord, Psychology Research Assistant